Laurel: I have made my bike ghost-proof?
Hardy: What?? How did you do that?
Laurel: Well, I removed all the spooks in it.
My brother seemed upset. “I don’t know how to tell you but the cat died on Thursday” he said. I was mortified and shouted at him, ” You could have found a better way to tell me that the cat was dead. You should have told me that she fell off the roof and although the vet did his best, the injuries were too great.”
“I guess you’re right”, agreed my brother “it was a bit insensitive of me”.
“That’s okay” I replied.
“How is mother by the way”, I enquired.
My brother retorted “She fell off the roof”.
“I had a meal last night. I ordered everything in French, surprised everybody. It was a Chinese restaurant. I said to this Chinese waiter, “Look, this chicken I got here is cold.”
He said, “It should be, it’s been dead two weeks.”
I said, “Not only that.” I said, I said… I said it twice, I said, “He’s got one leg shorter than the other.”
“He said, “What do you wanna do with it, eat it or dance with it?”
I said, “Forget the chicken, give me a lobster, and he brought me this lobster. I said just a minute, he’s only got one claw.”
He said “Well, he’s been in a fight.”
I said, “Well, give me the winner.”
Given below is a list of actual similes and metaphors found by high school English teachers from across the country in their student’s essays.
– Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.
– His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances, like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.
– He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.
– She grew on him like she was a colony of e-coli and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.
– She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.
– Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
– He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.
– The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife’s infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM machine.
– The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn’t.
– McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.
– From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you’re on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.
– Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.
– The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.
Laurel : Which American colonists told the most jokes?
Hardy : It must be the Punsylvanians!
Bill says, “My wife has a solution for every problem.”
John says, “You are lucky man. My wife has a Problem for every Solution!”
When he asks about this the professor answers: “the questions are always the same – only the answers change!”
I don’t believe in reincarnation, but what were you when you were alive?