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Category: Office jokes

Light bulb jokes-Microsoft support staff

Light bulb jokes-Microsoft support staff

Q. How many Microsoft support staff does it take to change a light bulb?

A. Four.
One to ask “What is the registration number of the light bulb?”,
one to ask “Have you tried rebooting it?”,
another to ask “Have you tried reinstalling it?”
and the last one to say “It must be your hardware because the light bulb in our office works fine…”

Not much upstairs

Not much upstairs

Two management executives, Mark and Jim, saw the finance head go out for lunch with a sexy and attractive secretary.

Mark remarked, “Doesn’t look like she has much upstairs.”

Jim replied, “I don’t think that’s the floor the finance head is getting off at.”

Performance Appraisal remarks

Performance Appraisal remarks

Some interesting remarks made by managers in the Performance Appraisal of their subordinates.

1. “This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won’t be.”

2. “Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together.”

3. “A gross ignoramus – 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.”

4. “He doesn’t have ulcers, but he’s a carrier.

5. “I would like to go hunting with him sometime.”

6. “He’s been working with glue too much.”

7. “He would argue with a signpost.”

8. “He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room.”

9. “When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell.”

10. “If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he’s the other one.”

11. “A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.”

12. “A prime candidate for natural de-selection.”

13. “Donated his brain to science before he was done using it.”

14. “Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn’t coming.”

15. “He’s got two brains cells, one is lost and the other is out looking for it.”

16. “If he were any more stupid, he’d have to be watered twice a week.”

17. “If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you’d get change.”

18. “If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.”

19. “It’s hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.”

20. “One neuron short of a synapse.”

21. “Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled.”

22. “Takes him 2 hours to watch ’60-minutes’.”

23. “The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.”

Logic

Logic

Andy, a fresh computer graduate from a world-class University, goes for an interview in a software company.

The interviewer is Peter, a grubby old man. And the first question he asks Andy is, `Are you good at logic?’

`Of course,’ replies Andy.

`Let me test you,’ replies Peter. `Two men come down a chimney. One comes with a clean face and the other comes out with a dirty face. Which one would wash his face?’

Andy stares at Peter. `Is that a test in Logic?’ Peter nods.

The one with the dirty face washes his face’, Andy answers wearily.

`Wrong. The one with the clean face washes his face. Examine the simple logic. The one with the dirty face looks at the one with the clean face and thinks his face is clean. The one with the clean face looks at the one with the dirty face and thinks his face is dirty. So, the one with the clean face washes his face.’

`Hmm. I never thought of that,” says Andy. `Give me another test.’

Peter holds up two fingers, `Two men come down a chimney. One comes out with a clean face and the other comes out with a dirty face. Which one washes his face?’

`We have already established that. The one with the clean face washes his face.’

`Wrong. Each one washes one’s face. Examine the . The one with the dirty face looks at the one with the clean face and thinks his face is clean. The one with the clean face looks at the one with the dirty face and thinks his face is dirty. So, the one with the clean face washes his face. When the one with the dirty face sees the one with the clean face washing his face, he also washes his face. So each one washes one’s face.’

`I didn’t think of that!’ says Andy. `It’s shocking to me that I could make an error in logic. Test me again!’

Peter holds up two fingers, `Two men come down a chimney. One comes out with a clean face and the other comes out with a dirty face. Which one washes his face?’

`Each one washes his face.’

`Wrong. Neither one washes his face. Examine the simple logic. The one with the dirty face looks at the one with the clean face and thinks his face is clean. The one with the clean face looks at the one with the dirty face and thinks his face is dirty. But when the one with clean face sees that the one with the dirty face doesn’t wash his face, he also doesn’t wash his face. So neither one washes his face.’

Andy is desperate. `I am qualified for this job. Please give me one more test!’

He groans when Peter lifts his two fingers, `Two men come down a chimney. One comes out with a clean face and the other comes out with a dirty face. Which one washes his face?’

`Neither one washes his face’, Andy replies, `I have learnt this logic.’

`Wrong, again. Do you now see, Andy, why programming knowledge is insufficient for this job? Tell me, how is it possible for two men to come down the same chimney, and for one to come out with a clean face and the other with a dirty face? Don’t you see the flaw in the premise?'”

Office jokes-Some Management Styles

Office jokes-Some Management Styles

Management Styles

1. MANAGING BY WALKING FASTER THAN THE EMPLOYEES
These kind of managers you will always see in the corridor, ten steps away. “We’ll have to talk” you can hear them say, just as they have disappeared around the corner.

2. MANAGING BY STARING OUT OF THE WINDOW
These managers you usually meet with their backside faced to you with their hands in their pockets. When you talk to them, their thoughts keep staring out of the windows.

3. MANAGING BY POST-ITS
Some managers forget everything. They want to impress you with their ‘busy’ness by continuously writing on Post-Its, while you are talking.

4. MANAGING BY DELEGATION TO THE SECRETARY
These managers just delegate everything to the secretary.

5. MANAGING BY KNOWING NOTHING
These managers don’t really know anything at all. They let YOU give answers. Meanwhile they fill the time with irrelevant anecdotes.

6. MANAGING BY CONCEPTUAL THINKING
These people try to explain the present from a theoretical view of the far future. The idea that this never will work, completely satisfies them. They will always have something to talk about.

7. MANAGING BY HIDING INFORMATION
Information hiders are aware of the market value of strictly secret kept information. You must be very thankful to get any information at all.

8. MANAGING BY DOING EXACTLY WHAT THE BOSS SAYS
These managers prevent their bosses from creative thinking. Else they have more work to do.

9. MANAGING BY WALKING ONE FOOT BEHIND THE BOSS
In hierarchical organizations you can watch those groups walking in the corridor. The more equal managers are directly followed by the lesser equal managers, and so on.

10. MANAGING BY SMILING AND WEARING NICE SUITS
If you drink beer with them, lunch with them, smile to them and also wear nice suits, nothing can stop your career anymore.

11. MANAGING BY STUDYING
Despite their continual attendances of all kind of studies and congresses, they still belong to category 5. The longer they learn, the further they get from the practice.

12. MANAGING BY CREATING VAGUE OVERHEAD SHEETS
Do you know them? Those sheets with some big arrows, boxes or circles? These sheets provide the ultimate proof of their overall brilliance.

13. MANAGING BY OPEN DOOR AND EMPTY ROOM
This is a major improvement of the older ‘OPEN DOOR’ management style. Now you can really walk in and out anytime you want. Nobody ever knows where these managers are.

14. MANAGING BY SPEAKING WITH OTHER MANAGERS
This kind of managing is very popular. It will give them within a few hours the same information as an employee can tell them in 15 minutes.

15. MANAGING BY HAVING A NON SUPPORTING INFRASTRUCTURE
In an organization with a hopeless infrastructure, managers are really necessary. These managers will naturally prevent the organization from having a better infrastructure.

16. BUA MANAGEMENT (BY USING ABBREVIATIONS)
This management style is ATRASACWOC ( Adopted To Reach A Shorter And Clearer Way Of Communication).

17. MANAGING BY USING BUZZ WORDS
These managers like to bluff your head off with hip, nearly undefined, terms.

18. MANAGING BY REORGANIZATION
If they think there is nothing more to organize, they reorganize.

19. MANAGING BY BELIEVING
These managers must be spiritual educated, because they have no clues at all.

20. MANAGING BY FORGETTING PROMISES
If you remind them to one of their promises, the priority of that promise is too low to remember.

Office jokes-Like a dog

Office jokes-Like a dog

Michael had been eying his new secretary for some time now, and the day finally came when he persuaded her to bend over the back of his leather couch and permit him to have his way with her.

“Do you mind telling me where have you been until this hour?” demanded his wife, when Michael finally arrived home.

“Where else? At the office,” he replied, “working like a dog.”

Patrick Fisher’s Annual Review

Patrick Fisher’s Annual Review

Patrick Fisher’s Annual Review:

1. Patrick Fisher, my assistant manager, can always be found
2. hard at work in his cubicle. Patrick works independently, without
3. wasting company time talking to colleagues. Patrick never
4. thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always
5. finishes given assignments on time. Often he takes extended
6. measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
7. breaks. Patrick is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no
8. vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
9. knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Patrick can be
10. classed as a high-caliber employee, the type which cannot be
11. dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Patrick be
12. promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
13. executed as soon as possible.Link

Addendum: That dummy was standing over my shoulder while I wrote the report sent to you earlier today. Kindly re-read only the odd lines.